The end of a couple relationship is always an important step to take into account in our lives.
I have experienced some relationship endings… Some of them on my own initiative and others not. And it took me a few months or years to understand and then take into account what these relationships had really brought me, whether it was positive or negative.
Taking the time to understand what this relationship as a couple has brought me :
Taking this time is necessary and requires courage! Yes, I am talking about courage, because it means daring to take the most objective look possible at what we have experienced in the relationship. Whether it lasted one night or 25 years.
During this one, we have felt, lived, exchanged with this partner and taking a step back allows us to grow internally and even to heal certain parts of ourselves.
Let’s take the example of a toxic relationship! If I have experienced this relationship, I can take the time to see that it was not the first one. So what do I do to attract this kind of relationship? Why does it happen again and again? What does the other person teach me in our relationship? I don’t dare to say no? I don’t take my place? I feel guilty for a yes for a no?
These few questions will allow us to understand this relationship to finally put some words on what is really going on and without filters.
What are the common points between my different partners or the style of the relationship?
This also helps to give meaning. Rarely at the beginning of the end of the relationship do we manage to have the necessary hindsight to make a “checklist” of the common points and yet, I like to propose this kind of exercise to the people I accompany.
Very confrontational, because we often say to ourselves “never again a person like him or like her” and yet! How many times do we find similarities in the physical and behavioral aspects and then it’s the beginning of a new relationship that “risks” not ending well, because we reproduce the same pattern…
To be able to question oneself!
Giving meaning to the end of a relationship also means daring to question myself about what I wish for in my relationships… And somehow how I contribute to not getting what I wish for.
Whether it is through my beliefs that will influence my behavior.
For example, if I have been convinced since I was very young that I must please the other person at all costs and that saying no is to be rejected. Then I will let myself do everything, even what I don’t like, because I will be afraid of not being loved. I will therefore contribute to having relationships where I am in a submissive posture.
This is just one example among many…
Giving meaning at the end of a relationship is finally going to meet our responsibility in it. I know that for some people these words can be confrontational and even more so when relationships are made up of physical or psychological violence. In these cases especially, I didn’t hear, but no! I am not responsible!
Certainly you are not responsible for the other person’s actions in such situations, but we are responsible for the person’s initial choice. It is in this sense that I am talking about our responsibility.
When we choose to leave a person, we can also take the time to consider these different points.
Finally, for each relationship we have experienced, we can ask ourselves the following questions:
- What is my responsibility in the choice of this relationship or this person?
- What can I change in order to live a next relationship differently?
- What do I need to understand in my choices?
This list is not definitive! I will let you complete it according to your story!