find the individual balance
“The longer the relationship lasts, the lower – statistically – the risk of separation. The decisive factor for a lasting partnership is the feeling of treating each other fairly. Conflicts must be resolved in such a way that no one feels permanently taken advantage of, otherwise the person will question the relationship in the medium and long term. This is not so much a matter of understanding roles: many couples are quite comfortable with a dynamic that gives more leadership to one than the other. This is a question of the partners’ negotiations and individual needs. Some people want to have little responsibility and thrive on it. The relationship then becomes unbalanced if one partner feels they are being taken advantage of in any way.”
share new experiences together
“When the relationship is in balance, what is experienced together becomes more valuable than some brief, bad moments that are always part of it. That’s why it’s important not only to rely on the tried and true, but also to try new things that bond together because of the shared experience. In this way, we as a couple gain security and routine in solving conflicts. We simply know that nothing will get us off track in a hurry. This calmness and composure is expressed in the feeling: We belong together and have arrived. The couple is then a team that can rely on each other.”
“The key to a happy relationship is bonding, the feeling of mutual connection. While bonding is strengthened by facing communication, it is weakened by averted (or even neutral) communication. Example:
You’re out for a walk and you’re cold. Not only does your partner notice this, but he or she immediately suggests going to the nearest café and wants to invite you for a hot drink.
That’s affectionate communication: attentive, creative, and caring.
Indifferent communication would be when you say you’re cold and he replies, “Yeah, pretty chilly today.” And dismissive, averted communication would be if he said, “Why didn’t you put on something warmer?”
However, facing communication doesn’t always have to be with words; we also communicate with each other nonverbally. With a simple “Look!” you’re not just saying that you’ve noticed something that you suspect your partner would like to see. You are also expressing that you want to share a moment, an experience, with your partner. Anyone who has children knows these moments when little ones pull on their sleeves to show something: they are looking for attachment. In love relationships, in that sense, we never really grow old – but remain children.”
learning languages of love
“Praise and appreciation, gifts, togetherness, helpfulness and tenderness are the universal 5 languages of love. Find out what language your partner speaks and what makes you happy yourself. Then you won’t be talking past each other.”
Accept that most conflicts are not resolvable.
“About 70 percent of all couple conflicts are not resolvable through a compromise that could satisfy both partners equally. The problem is that in the medium and long term, such compromises cause partners to lose optimism in the relationship because the impression is reinforced: I never get what I want. That’s why bartering is so important: If one person can fulfill his or her wishes once and the other once, relationship satisfaction increases significantly.”
“Part of handling arguments well is a conscious willingness to de-escalate. You may feel upset, angry, attacked and hurt – but you are not a wounded animal who has been cornered and must defend yourself tooth and nail. Because the person who is creating all these feelings in you is the person you love. We should also try to realize this in moments when our bodies are influenced by attack and flight reflexes, which were evolutionarily important, but in a couple relationship can cause great harm above all.” (You can also learn how important it is to argue at eye level in our article).