A healthy relationship can only develop if both partners are emotionally available. That is, they have already put down their “baggage”, their emotional attachment to the ex, gone through the post-breakup phases, past the anger, resentment, pain. The letting go has happened. Unfortunately, in many cases people want to save this “grieving time” by jumping into a new relationship. “Dog bites with fur”, right. Well, that’s not how it works. If you feel something is wrong, if you’re tense, you’re still not getting any closer to your partner, then the possible reasons certainly include the fact that you’re not over the last one. Here are the most worrying signs.
Talking bitterly about the ex
Whenever the subject comes up, does your partner get uptight, grumpy, resentful and even berate your ex? The surest sign that deep down, he’s not over it. Remember: anger is also a bond. And a very strong one. The point of letting go is to stop being angry with the other person, and even to be happy for them to find happiness when they have failed with us.
It takes you to the same places you went with the ex
This is mostly subconscious, but it’s very telling. Many people use a new woman to cover their pain from the last one. But the subconscious works in this case too. If you notice that almost everywhere you went, whatever you did, was a regular place/program for her with the ex, then you have a problem. If he also calls you by the same nickname as him, then it’s a disaster. Run away immediately if you don’t want to be a simple crying wall.
It’s not about being on good terms with one or two exes – from years before. You can call each other for professional advice or something else neutral. But if your partner is regularly hanging out with his or her former love, especially if it’s only been months since the breakup, you’re secretly hoping you can still get him or her back. Don’t be an accessory to this.
Her apartment is full of her ex’s stuff
After a breakup, you have to give back each other’s stuff, period. It’s not that complicated. Of course you might forget one or two small things, but you can get them back quickly. But if your boyfriend is not in a hurry to do this, but is hanging on to his ex’s things around him, he’s not emotionally ready to part with them – not just the stuff, but the girl too.
Still checking your ex’s Facebook or Instagram page
Because you’re still interested in what’s going on with her, who she’s friends with, where she’s travelling, whether she has a new partner. It’s a clear sign that she hasn’t broken up with him yet.
She compares you to her
Unfortunately, even if you always come out ahead in the comparison. If he’s always bringing up how much better you are (at anything) than his ex, then there’s a problem. Because secretly you are still comparing everyone to him.
Remember: it’s not your job to mend your partner’s broken heart, it’s his. It’s not your job to make him forget a love affair, it’s his. This “mourning work” should be done by him, and if he can’t do it, he should sit at home alone and moan about his ex, watch self-discovery and relationship videos on YouTube, that’s his problem, but he shouldn’t try to take the blame with you.