When we love, we tend to turn a blind eye to behaviors that are unpleasant for us and at the same time hope that everything will be better, that we will be happy again. It’s true that every relationship, the longer it lasts, the more likely it is to go through periods of crisis. However, there are some definite differences between a toxic and a healthy relationship.
Feeling anxious when you are about to date your partner
In a toxic relationship you will feel anxiety when you are about to meet your partner, as an inner emotion mixed with fear, even if, for example, you have been in the relationship for a long time.
This anxiety is deeply connected to his behaviours, to how he might react to something so minor that you realise you can’t intuit that reason, that you can’t anticipate it. You’re also faced with thoughts and questions, what if he doesn’t like something, what if you did something right, what if you forgot to do something that’s going to happen, what if, what if, what if?
In a healthy relationship, you should feel a release when you get around your partner, to feel like you have a team again, that they are close and supportive of everything. In a healthy relationship you should be eager to see your lover again, and you should also feel free to call and visit whenever you want, without feeling anxiety or rejection from him.
The dilemma between changing your partner or accepting them as they are
In a toxic relationship, where you are the victim, there will be a dilemma between asking your partner to change and doing your best to change (where you will fail, of course) and accepting them as they are.
Eventually, which is not too far away, you will have to choose, in fact, between accepting him or ending the relationship.
In trying to accept the relationship as it is, you try to repress your hurt, to seek your joy in other areas where you don’t share that joy with him (an important aspect of toxic relationships). You also try to reshape your life so that you avoid the things he doesn’t like, but you won’t succeed, because he will keep finding others – the problem is not your behaviour, but his. So whatever you do, it won’t be good.
You end up not being you, or worse, you end up dependent on him, including financially. This dependency makes it very difficult for you to get out of the relationship.
You get to know each other after a long relationship
In a healthy relationship, the bond between partners starts with getting to know each other, as both are balanced and ready to show their strengths and vulnerabilities. They’re ready to find out whether or not that relationship is what they’re looking for, taking ownership of the results.
In a toxic relationship, the beginning is all honey. Everything is great, your partner wins your trust, can get you to move in together (prematurely, before you feel you know all those aspects of their life that are important to the couple), seems to involve you in their activities, and isn’t necessarily willing to argue.
Some days, trust goes as far as asking you to quit school, college, frequent family gatherings even, or to quit your job.
It’s only after a while, longer, when he “can control you” that the toxicity of the relationship begins to set in. And you won’t find yourself in the couple’s new values. In fact, they will make you deeply unhappy.
You feel like you’ve drifted away from all the people you love
In an abusive relationship, you find that, under long-standing pressure from your partner, you end up distancing yourself from your friends, family members, the people you care about and who ultimately shape and shape your social and family life.
Somehow you were left with just you and your partner, and this isolation weighs you down.
In a healthy relationship, partners support each other and do not interfere with each other’s relationships.
You find it very hard to get out of the relationship
And this weight is not necessarily related to your desire, i.e. you may want to end it, but realise that it will be very difficult.
Why? Because in a toxic relationship, your partner already controls many aspects of your life and you will have a very big loss. Either they have control of your possessions, your house, your money and you will have to lose a lot of what is actually yours. Either you no longer have a job or you have stopped your studies. Or you’ve moved too far away from family and friends, you’re socially isolated and find it terribly difficult to make it on your own.
Or there may be other reasons. And it’s very difficult to overcome them. But we’re all entitled to happiness. In some situations, you may even be threatened if you try to break off the relationship, and those threats can be very real.